Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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