you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
