the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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