i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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