Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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