We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
