theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
