I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
