Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Randomize
