No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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