I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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