nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
