I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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