Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize