My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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