your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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