He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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