I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
