so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Randomize
