i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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