I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
