I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
