Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
