i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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