Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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