I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
