you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
