hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
