make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Randomize
