Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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