The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
