you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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