My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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