guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize