It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
