I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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