i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
