Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
