Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
