He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
