My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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