your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
