I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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