Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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