remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
