Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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