i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
