I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Randomize
