My girlfriend figured out who you are.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
