He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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