I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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