Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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