Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
