I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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