What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
