How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
